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[13 Sep 2004|09:32pm]
"the pioneer, builder, doer,

You create what is needed for future generations.
You have a deep love for adventure, travel,
change, the creative process, setting new
things in motion, and changing both internally
and externally. You have a great gift of
visionary perception, an eye for what is and is
not working.

which major arcana of the thoth tarot deck are you? short, with pictures and detailed results
brought to you by Quizilla
1 attempt| kill me please

The Summer of 2004 [26 Aug 2004|10:20am]
What to say, what to say....

As the summer winds down, i can officially say that was the best summer i've had since i was a little kid. When i think about last summer i probally did alot more things that i'd consider really cool, but I was still really fucked up with everything, and anything i did was only a repreive. In contrast, I still did alot of cool things this summer, but the thing that stands out was my ability to successfully work on my frame of mind. I'm learning how to be happy, and stay that way. This is a turning point in my life, and i'm going to look back on this summer as just that. I've been able to stay away from alcohol alot better this summer, and i've started to learn a combination of a few martial arts. I love learning to fight, and getting in shape! I'm on my way to achieving my #1 goal in life. Things can only go up from here!
2 attempts| kill me please

[12 Jul 2004|02:12am]
Well now! I think it's quite obvious that this journal has been ignored! If this journal is all you get from me, I'm sorry! Anyways, I thought I should give a update! After reading through what i've written in here in the past couple years, i noticed there hasn't been to many positive entries! I hope that's understandable, because i've witnessed alot of harsh things, and fealt alot of harsh feelings, but i'm here to say it wasn't all for waste! I've grown alot, and learnt alot!

I have alot of great people around me now, and alot to be thankful for! I feel closer to that light at the end of the tunnel everyday!
2 attempts| kill me please

[15 May 2004|03:43am]
Me, Dustin, and Jason.... The three amigos. Everyone that hangs out with us knows us as that. Yet....

It’s there but we just don’t talk about it.

There’s three of us right now, but there was once four. Me, Dustin, Jason, and Carlen.

It’s somthing that we never talk about, but it’s there, and it always will be. It’s the reason i can’t sleep without nightmares, the reason we can’t say no, and the reason we can’t hang out sober. Death affects me more than anything i’ve ever endured. It’s the reason i wake up wanting a drink, it’s the reason i need escape from reality, and you can ignore it all you want, but this is me being honest. I know what it feels like to have people betray you, i know what it feels like to be made fun of, abused in every way, and feel every negative emotion, but nothing compares to seeing someone you love dead. Those images haunt me!

I miss my Dad, i miss my grandpa, i miss Murray, i miss Carlen, and most of all i wish i was dead with them. I can’t sleep without hell, and i can’t live without hell.

A great person once said "I hate myself and i want to die". Well, here’s my version!

I hate life and i want to die.

We will have the same end.
kill me please

[06 Feb 2004|01:32pm]
I was reading my Transworld MX magazine when i noticed a US Weekly magazine of my moms that caught my eye. On the cover It had Jeniffer Lopez (Who else?), and had the subtitle "Why Ben Won’t Marry Her?". I thought fuck it, i’m going to check this magazine out, because i’ve never read it before. I opened it up, and was nothing short of being appalled. I can’t believe what horse shit that magazine is. It was full of just random bullshit, and pictures of photographers invading what little private life stars have. Who seriously gives a flying fuck if Mel Gibson pays parking meters, or random bullshit like that. And why the hell is someone even thinking about stalking him in order to get such a photo? BAGH! I half-assed read the "Bennifer" article and it was more like a spy report than the facts. "A eye witness reported". WHAT!?!? Reality is perception, so what some person across a restraunt THOUGHT they saw or heard, could be so far from the actual truth. BAGH!!! Lets just say that’s the last time i’ll pollute my mind with that bullshit again.

US Weekly get's a big two thumbs down from me!
1 attempt| kill me please

[01 Feb 2004|10:51pm]
I’ve told people what happened, and i know what happened, i remember what happened. But i don’t think until now i’ve really thought about that day. Tommorow. I remember the faces, i remember the cries, i remember waking my sister up to tell her what had happened. I remember coming to my computer to write in here that my dad had just had a heart attack in total shock, but still with the hope that nothing bad was going to happen. Of course i would, because things like this don’t happen to my family.... I remember blaming people, i remember the excruciating wait to follow my dad to the hospital where they were going to save him. We never made that trip. I remember exactly where i was, with my right arm around my mom as the parametic came to tell us the news..... "I’m affraid we have bad news". I remember my mom yelling... i remember turning away and holding back my tears for my mom. I remember everyone that came to the door that day. I remember punching random holes in our walls... i remember the only thing i eat that day, a ham and cheese sandwich with cucumbers and tomatoes. I remember the movies i watched... I remember everyone that came up to me to tell me they loved me... I remember that i didn’t respond to a single person. I wish i could go back. If i wouldn’t have left to rent those movies would things have gone different? There are so many what ifs!! If i would have done something different would things have changed? It drives me almost insane thinking about them....

I know it’s tommorow.... I know, but i can’t help feeling this way already...

I can’t help this emptiness.. i can’t help it...

It hurts... it’s not just a regular sad mood, but it physically hurts... I feel so alone.

I know only one thing could make this go away, and that’s killing me....

I’m hurt.
3 attempts| kill me please

The end was a new beginning.... [07 Jan 2004|04:30pm]
Eventhough i was expecting it to be a total bust, i really enjoyed new years eve, and although i argued like no other against going to the warehouse, i'm glad Mike, Troy, and Jory dragged me there. I know i looked insincere and all that junk, but my friends are more important, and i know it would have been a real bummer for them if didn't go. That's like a week ago though, and old news, so that's all i'll say about that.

I'm feeling alot better in the new year... After attending three funerals last year i suppose this year can't get any worse, and knowing that is almost comforting. Does that make any sense? I'm still not over alot of things, obviously, and i still have one more really hard day, but all in all i just feel alot better about certain things.
1 attempt| kill me please

[01 Jan 2004|09:36am]
So comes to a end the last night of the worst year of my life... When i look at it like that, new years feels good.
kill me please

What to do!?!? [29 Dec 2003|03:53pm]
I know New Years is going to be a blast, but i don’t know if i’m going to go to the warehouse. I just can’t get over that bouncer! And if i see him i don’t know, especially because i’m going to be drunk, if i can trust myself to not start shit with him. It’s the same feeling when you get hammered in football, or hockey, you get right up, take a number and wait until your chance to smoke him back. I never got a fair chance that night, and it’s driving me insane! I hate getting thrown to the ground no matter what the case, and especially if it was for a REALLY REALLY stupid reason. I really want to go there, but i really don’t at the same time.

I don't know what to do.
2 attempts| kill me please

[25 Dec 2003|11:04am]
I hate life....

How's that for christmas spirit?
1 attempt| kill me please

[02 Nov 2003|04:51am]
I will never step foot in the warehouse ever again. Ever! And shitty for chris, because i like the guy....
kill me please

[01 Nov 2003|04:36pm]
I've been getting in debates about downloading music more and more lately. I think that if downloading is preventing you from actually supporting the artists that you like, it's wrong.

I've come to the conclussion that people like the idea of free music, and being able to 'own' a entire album in minutes within the comfort of their own home more than their care for whether or not it's preventing better music from being made. I don't even think people even realize that, that's what it all boils down to. I don't know about you people, but i'm disgusted when i listen to the monotony of our radio stations. I can listen for a hour and hear the same song as many as 4 times if i swap stations. What the fuck!? Or 'mainstream' isn't even where the best music is, which is funny because that's what a vast majority of people listen to. When i go to a club, i see people go crazy for songs that totally baffle me, because there are so much more less watered down songs out there similar and of higher quality. Which leads me to this...

I think for a vast majority of people it's not about what's aesthetically pleasing, it's about what's 'cool'. There have been many instances, especailly with a couple close friends (even a few that will read this), where i've played them a song, and they totally dismissed it, as if it wasn't a cool thing to listen to, so they never gave it the time of day. Then maybe a month later they'll be like "listen to this!!", not knowing it was from the SAME artist, or very similar to the song i played for them a while back. I've even had people tell me to listen to the EXACT same song i had tried playing for them.

I really don't know where i'm going with this, and i could ramble on for hours, but it's just something that just came up so i thought i'd share.


I don't care if any of this sounds self-righteous, because i support every band that i like enough to listen to their music.
1 attempt| kill me please

[13 Oct 2003|12:00am]
It's never worth it. The guilt i put myself through isn't even worth the night of fun anymore.

I don't want to be trapped in a schedule that i didn't create. I don't want to feel as though i'm running on a treadmill just trying to gasp enough air in to pay my bills. I've been somewhat lucky in this respect, and i'm more aware of it then it probally seems, because i know that without that luck i could very well be dead right now. If you don't think so then you don't know me... I'm alive, and no matter how alive i've fealt i haven't really lived. Not very many people can say they've really lived. For there to be meaning in all my wasted years, i want to be able to say i've lived before i die. For all the fallen tears to be worth it, i NEED to be able to say i've really lived before i die.
kill me please

[09 Oct 2003|12:59am]
I would be very happy with a Chicago Cubs vs. Boston Redsox World Series......
kill me please

[07 Oct 2003|02:06am]
Sometimes i might seem hipocritical, and i don’t know if anyone has noticed, but i’m very aware of how someone might think this of me in certain aspects. In the end if you really know me you’d know that i’m damn consistant with how i treat people.

I had a conversation tonight about God with some family members, and i remebered some of the things i’ve said in here. I realize that i’ve been pretty harsh on that subject, so let me just state some facts.

I believe what i believe, it’s all i believe, and if i didn’t why would i say so? Ha! Anyways, I will believe in what i believe in until it’s proved otherwise or i am enlightened on a different way of thinking. I’m not set on my beliefs, because i believe anything is possible. It is.

I don’t believe in God, and i could care less if he exists. I believe in myself, and in the end it’s not even going to matter what i believe because if there’s a God he’ll still accept me. Not because i went to church once or twice, or because i read the bible, but because i’m the person i am. Nuff said.
kill me please

[04 Oct 2003|01:40am]
I've been sitting here for the past little bit staring into a blank "event" box trying to find the words that would accurately express how i feel at the moment, and how i've been feeling this past little while, and i can't come up with anything. Then again why even bother, it's not like it matters in the grand scheme of things.

blah... I need my head on straight!
kill me please

[28 Sep 2003|09:15am]
[ mood | drunk ]

Ok i’m not going to lie to ya guys.... i know how to drink.. well that can be debated by a few, but all in all i’ve been know to have a few drinks here and there....


I havent been as drunk as i was tonight since i can remember... I was so fucking fucked up and i loved every second of it! I suppose that happens when you drink as much and for as long as i did, but still... I had such a cool night.... fuck yeah!!

I probally made a complete ass out of myself too, and i know some of the ravers all high on whatever the fuck they were high on didn’t like my booze breath but i don’t give a fuck! fuck em!

It was so cool seeing and talking to the people i did!

Thank you to everyone!

And yes... i really do mean everyone!

5 attempts| kill me please

HAHA! [23 Sep 2003|01:53pm]
Do you want to know what i think is funny? How someone can get mad at you for doing to them, what they fealt was ok doing to you. But i guess i suck like that.....
1 attempt| kill me please

"I" If i can't be so self indulgent. [16 Sep 2003|12:40am]
I’m going to be the cockiest person in a room, and yet one of the most humble. No one is going to be able to tell how much money i have by the way i act, and they are all going to regret ever doing me wrong. Good or bad, i know i’m here for a reason, and that reason isn’t a set destiny. It’s for a choice, a choice to choose greatness. A choice to not except mediocrity, and to choose to live happy. If i end up happy in your mediocrity then i will have achieved greatness. I will be me, i will be worth admiration, and i will know something so well i could call it a extension of my body. Choose to be with me, choose to watch at a safe distance, or choose to watch me as i walk by, but know that you might have missed nothing or everything all at the same time. It’s a choice, and i’ve made mine. What’s yours?
kill me please

[03 Sep 2003|09:17pm]
Today i did one of the coolest things i've ever done in my life, and what did i do that was so cool you ask? I jumped 12500 feet out of a airplane!


I recommend that anyone who hasn't gone skydiving to GO FUCKING DO IT!!
3 attempts| kill me please

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